gahblah [06 Sep 2006|11:20am] [ mood | annoyed ] God, I'm such a spaz weirdo in my journal entries. I almost cringe thinking of someone reading them. So my new school isn't working out as planned in my mind. There is no horse program like I thought, I have too much homework to even think about taking on a college class, and the teachers suck ass. I just can't concentrate in a school invironment. My brain freezes up. I feel like such a whiney-butt when I complain about school, being that most the population of 14-18 year olds deal with it every day, but once you experience the alternative to it (un-schooling), it makes it so much harder to deal with something you don't have to. It's like walking up the mountain when you have the option of driving. Unless you really want the extra work, you're going to drive. If I needed the experience of going through it, I would. You're going to do it if you know the work will be worth it. But it's not for me. Sean is really education oriented, so for me not to get a highschool diploma would be really disappointing for him. But with this un-schooling thing, I can do some work AND take some college classes without having that retarded schedule of going to school and then coming home to do the SAME shit over again. What a fucking waste of time. I could learn so much more if I did school AT SCHOOL. Plus I need some time for a job, which I wouldn't really have with going to school. And I would have extra time even, for when I get a horse :) It just makes much more sense. I could also test out classes for stuff I want to do after school, see what I want for career choices. I want to do so many things, I want to know so many things. I just want to be productive, and school doesn't do that for me. Plus, Emma is miserable. I can't be in school when she's miserable. We're stuck together, what she does I do, so if she leaves I leave. I have to go to court soon. Stupid car accidents. Blaaaah cars suck, we need little hover thingys that won't get within a foot of eachother or something. That'd be cooliness. post comment

[22 Jul 2006|09:51pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] So after finally getting fed up for the billionth thousandth hundreth something-eth time about how much I think about thinking and not thinking and what the hell I'm thinking about, I thought (again) "I need a motto. Something to live by." Don't worry. Yes, it's simple, but it's how you feel it that counts. I really do think I have an anxiety problem or something because life has turned into this edge-of-your-seat ride for some peculiar reason. I really have nothing to be on the edge of my seat ABOUT. (Okay, this is really bugging me, but I keep thinking of the words I'm typing in a brittish accent. It's making me annoyed at myself. BLOODY HELL!) K, onward ho. So my motto is don't worry, because as simple as it sounds, demanding myself not to worry can apply to a whole spectrum of problems, worries, and just things I really don't need to be thinking about. Sure, I've thought of things to tell myself in the past (past being last week and the week before and so and so forth) But this really applies to everything and really makes me feel better. Just DON'T WORRY!! It'll all be okay. So what if you screw up. If you don't worry, the true you will come out and for me, that makes my better judgement become more relevant. And you know, that's a good thing. As for other happenings; CASEY IS VISITING! My best friend ever eva is coming to see moi :D I'm so fucking excited I might pee my panties. Or just get nervousy giddy and not eat. That's more like it. I can't even imagine what this will be like because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. It's amazering. I'm so lucky to have a friend like him. We share something unexplainable that I will cherish always. I hope it all goes well when he's here, but I shouldn't even be saying that because I know it will. Meeting someone for the first time in person is so odd at first when all you've done is talk to them. It's meeting them on a whole different level. So yes, I'll be meeting him tomorrow morning :) Sean will be coming over that night. I really wonder how they will interact. Actually, I'm curious about a lot of things, like what exactly he's like in person and how he walks and eats and such. Oh god, I sound like a freak, but I mustn't worry! At all! About anything! (freeeak!) I'm trying to burn time between going sleepy or else I'll be lazy from overtime in dream land. Fuck, I hope I don't stab another person in my dream again, that fucking freaked me out. Dreams tend to over-exagurate it's reflection of your true feelings or whatever. But still.. stabbing? Some random chick? TWO random chicks? I like girls, really (whoa now) It's going to be a crowded space here in our home in the with the eight cats, four baby hamsters, a chihuahua, a parakeet, and two aquariums of fishys (mmm. Fishies. Nah, only in sushi) John, mom, Johns friend Frank, me, Casey, Emma, and Sean (until he leaves. For eight days ;_; sniffle) but I think we'll manage somehow :p Someone will just have to curl up with meeeee (namely: sean. Because he's warm and soft and comfy. God I love him) Oh god. Glory of all glorys I'm GETTING A HORSE!! Fuckety fuck fuck fuck fuck YES! I'm so excited I can't even explian. It's like when you impload (cause I'm sure lots of people live to know how that feels) because all the excitement went WHAM and now it's burried inside waiting to come out again when I actually see the evidence. Not to get all mooshy (who am I kidding) but I've always imagined seeing my horse walk out with a glistening coat and sun rippling across it's muscles as it walks. Yes, my horse will glisten. And if it isn't glistening when I see it, I am for damn sure going to make it glisten :D And the lady I am going to get it from is giving it to me. yes, giving. Okay, so she doesn't have him/her yet, but they cycle through these ex-racers a lot and said she'll pick a really sweet one out to give to me by next month. ~Does a little dance~ yeees I said ex-racer. TB baby! We'll both be tall and perfect for eachother <3 Tehe :) My dream is to find a Thoroughbred/draft cross to go along with another horse. I don't know what it is about draft crosses- oh yes I do. They're fucking gorgeous as hell. Heaven. yes, heaven is more like it. They have that sweet I'm-a-gentle-giant temperment along with this beautiful sleekness of thoroughbreds that cannot be beat. Mmm.. Oh man, it'll be wonderous to ride again. I haven't ridden in so long. I almost cried when I thought about it, it's horrible :( Ah, I better get to bed. I'm finally getting tired. post comment

hmmmm [06 Feb 2006|08:25am] [ mood | optimistic ] Goals are good, so I think I should start having them. Not that I don't have some already, like for instance, my goal to try not to eat sugar for atleast 24 hours (failed, by the way. Still working on it) but I should probably move up the scale towards goals that could impact my life a little bit more than keeping my body sugar-free. Besides, that's a stupid goal. I need my chocolate, dammit! So anyway, I've been thinking about it and here are a few I have in mind. I'll start out small. 1: To drink atleast four glasses of water a day. It's a lot easier to add something to your day then to try to eliminate something like sugar :-p 2: To keep consistent with my A's in school 3: To live in the moment as much as possible. I'm much happier and less stressed that way, and when I'm happy I can breathe and that's always a good thing :D 4: To submit some photos in somewhere. I could atleast try to see if I'm model material 5: To focus on ME more and not just everyone else. I act weird when I'm not thinking about me (if that makes any sense at all) because I'm all nervous about pleasing everyone else. I need to focus on myself and what I want and not worry. I'm more attentive to other people that way, actually. So anywho. aaaand 6: To work on a painting/drawing project I might make some more later, when I feel like I can deal with these. It's not too much to ask of myself, and it's only a few goals to tide me over for some bigger ones (also cos I can't think of any right now) Okay, break is almost up and after that I am cracking down on the studying. No more goofing around and procrastinating!! Damn I want some M&M's >. post comment

11:11 [02 Feb 2006|11:11am] [ mood | groggy ] Dude. It's 11:11. omfg. I get to make a wish! I wish I didn't feel like shit anymore.My throat keeps getting worse and I feel icky :'( I'm staying in school because I reeeally want that two hour massage. Oh the goodness, mm >D Plus I might possibly be able to see Sean today if all works out. I hope I get better, or else I won't be able to go to town all weekend, which would totally suck, meh. I need cuddling! I feel clingy but I don't care, I miss Sean. I'm being a bad girl and not doing my independent studies. At this rate they will never get done. Dammit, I really need to do my work. I really do. I should do it right now. I'm going to go lie down. post comment

ehem [30 Jan 2006|09:18pm] [ mood | dorky ] Instead of English today the class went into the Psychology class. We learned about the power of the mind, how it doesn't know the difference between real and not real when you imagine something (like when you imagine food and the smell and eating it and your mouth starts watering, getting ready to supposedly eat it) I just realized that I've accomplished everything partaining to self-improvement that I wanted. I used to always write down the things I wanted as if it were happening at that very moment, as if I were like that right then. I programmed by brain or something, made it think it was real, because the feeling that I wanted about myself is showing through, even though I didn't really consciously work on it. And even though I still have that little part in me that doesn't like my body, there is more there that appreciates myself for me, because this is what I wanted to achieve in the past. I don't know, it's just weird that the two or three mental pictures I had about my whole self to be is either already a part of me or pretty close to being who I am. Like my reaction when someone talks to me. Before: I would have made a pathetic little "hi" and probably wouldn't say anything to them unless they said something again to me. But now I feel secure with myself and who I am and what comes out of my mouth because I really don't give a damn about what they think, and that's probably why people I meet like me. I live more in the moment now! Unless I think about where a relationship might go, but everyone goes through that. I just stop myself and try to live "now" more. Okay, this made my mind jumbled. I can't write about this when my mind is groggy, it doesn't work out. My point is: There's a lot more than I can think of at the moment that I have achieved simply by picturing it two or three times. I totally forget about it and it happens. Okay, I'm shushing now. I'm done rambling my ass off. I need some sleep. School is actually something I don't completely dread! I love my life right now. 1 comment|post comment

Hello Kitty Died [30 Jan 2006|08:03pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Hello Kitty died in my journal. It's all pink and WHOA it's craziness, I don't know if I can handle the pink and purple and green MADNESS! I might just have to change that. Emma just killed any of the thought flow I had for the moment. Where did I leave off? Oh yeah, the story. So I started talking about how there is someone there that supports me. I've never felt this way about someone, and it's wonderful, I can't say it enough. But this story makes it so much better. Okay, so this is how this whole coincedence thing happened: FIRST: okay, well, this is way down to the beginning. Without meeting my best friend Molly I wouldn't be where I am now. I spotted her at a movie theatre when i was six because I recognized her from my music class. That's how it all started. We were best friends ever since that moment. I kept calling her little brother her sister cos he looked like a girl >D SECOND: Molly came to visit me when I was fifteen and, at that point in time, we were great friends but had some differences. She hated Matt and I was jelous of the time she was spending with Dan(her boyfriend). He lived in Phoenix so it was the only time she had to see him, but I didn't agree on how she went about things with him. But.. the important part is that he invited us to First Friday and Molly, being the random ADD minded crazygirl that she is pulled me over to a booth that caught her eye (and the guy, Alex)> They started talking but soon after, we went on our way. If I hadn't of met Matt and if she hadn't of met Dan, we probably wouldn't of gone. Matt loves art and Dan lives close by to where first friday was so it all worked out! Apparently Alex and his best friend Sean put off putting their gaming booth for three weeks before ever doing it finally. Perfect timing, eh? THIRD(the craziness): Sean tells Alex to add gaming groups off of myspace to make his game more known. So he adds tons of random people. One day, Alex got off work fifteen minutes early and because of his boredom, he checks his bullitens (which apparently he never does). Molly happens to get into a car accident that day and posts a bulliten of her trauma. He looks at it and they soon realize they had met a year earlier at the first friday. They start talking. FOURTH: Molly posts a comment on Alex's page saying something off the wall about me needing a boy (but not him), even though I had a boyfriend. Sean never looks at comments but that day decided to look at Alex's, see's her comment, and looks at my page. FIFTH: After asking Molly questions about me, he messages me the DAY I break up with Jesse (the childish one). Life doesn't seem so pointless anymore. post comment

Today [30 Jan 2006|09:23am] [ mood | rushed ] My first entry! I really should be doing my independent study but my mind is not really in gear for that kind of thinking right now. Espeically math.. ick. It makes me shudder inside. I really don't like having to do this math over again, even if I have forgotten it. I think that one should only have to go through the basics ONE time in a subject that they really don't like. I'll have money to hire someone to know math when I need it anyway. Or just call my dad. Either way, I really don't want to learn it again. So life has took me through so many twists and turns I'm dizzy from it all. I think I'm just now starting to settle down and re-gain myself. I've started school and I'm ~gasp~ still keeping at it! I'm proud of myself! It really is good for me to stay with school and not get all sick and panicky. I've even gone through the awkward days of an ex-boyfriend at the same school with me, walking by with this I'm-not-going-to-smile look and only saying hi if I do. He really is still a kid. That's one thing I couldn't handle about him. He was always wining but would give me a hard time if I had any sort of complaint. Gr. But anywho. God, if I were to look at my life right now two years ago I would have been in a frenzy. I'm so different then I was. Somewhat outgoing (it's weird not describing myself as "shy" anymore, I'm still not used to it), a stronger sense of myself, different style, different hair, different tastes in so many things, different opinions on so many levels. It's craziness! It really helps to have someone who cares about you and who you care about supporting you in everything you are and everything you do. I'll post the rest later. Break, yay! post comment

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